panicking at night
for the first time in a while. this whole week has been a spiral into depression. i get up later and later, i don’t do any of my work or go to any of my classes.
i feel paralyzed.
i feel trapped.
i tried to go outside and calm myself down and listen to some music but after i had gotten boots on and everything i couldn’t find my ID anywhere and i went out into the hallway to cry and two girls were just sitting there like idiots talking about one of their fiances and how they could know he was the one for her and i was like
SHUT UP YOU MORONIC BITCHES
YOU’RE 19 YEARS OLD
you can’t get married to anyone until you’ve watched somebody die
it shouldn’t be allowed.
and there’s nowhere for me to run and little things,
like the tap tap tap tap tap of my roommate’s phone when she’s texting in the bunk beneath me or
this cough that just won’t go away
somehow i just blame them all on you and they overwhelm me. they take me over and i’m powerless. i am choked with grief. i am silenced by your loss and i am wordless with fear and longing.
so how to find a way to make “dear god just let me die” into “dear god please help me to live”